DivorcingDaze

Juicy Talk For Women

Sun, 7 Jun 2009 12:14:00 GMT

Laurie interviews Jill Abrahams, Founder and Executive Producer of CherryTV.com. Juicy.

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Boy and Girl Meet Girl. Girl Likes Girl. Boy Not So Much

Fri, 22 May 2009 12:26:00 GMT

The Memorial Day edition of DivorcingDaze is on the grill. From a listener: Boy and girl meet girl. Girl likes girl. Boy, not so much. And Laurie1 returns to the lecherous hairdresser, this time, with Laurie2. Wondering how that worked out? Also, wedding crashers and weddings crashed. How your post-divorce relationships affect your kids.

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Racy Emails, But No Flowers

Sun, 3 May 2009 16:11:00 GMT

Laurie 2 is in kind of a bad mood. Which is weird, since Laurie 1 is the one who DID NOT get flowers and who has been having computer problems. But they are friends, so the podcast must continue. Laurie1 is the forgiving type. And she's the editor. They talk about racy emails, dog-walkers, city life. And listener mail.

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Ex Wants Help With Baby - He's Not Dad

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:18:00 GMT

DivorcingDaze is back. And everything is getting green again. Green may be the theme. Laurie2 suggests we check out FreeCycle, Laurie1 has a green-screen plan for her circa 1995 TV, and if you think the grass is greener, look again. And listener mail from Singapore. Today's important keywords: condoms, chocolate, recycling, TV, Singapore, gossip, games, happiness, married, divorce.
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My Hairdresser Hit On Me

Wed, 1 Apr 2009 03:29:00 GMT

What to do when the best haircut youâve had in years comes with a price higher than advertised: the hairdresser made a pass. An aggressive pass. In New York City, when you find a great restaurant, a great apartment, or a great haircut at a great price, itâs not so easy to give it up. Sexless marriage, sex with other women, wedding day doubts and cheaters' confessions are also discussed, dissected and debated in this, the latest edition of DivorcingDaze.

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It's March. Which Means Madness...

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 23:58:00 GMT

Nibbling at salad bars? Tray Nazis at school? Cleavage rejuvenation? WEDDING BELLS? It must be March Madness, so listen in as the Lauries discuss. Plus, do the Lauries actually say it is OK to cheat?? You heard it here first...just push the red button....

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I Thought I'd Be The One To Cheat On Him

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 13:21:00 GMT

Can you be happy in a marriage or relationship when your partner is not? What is that? Denial? Wishful thinking?
Laurie and Laurie talk about their relationships, past and present, through the prism of time and a lot of laughter, of course, in this edition of DivorcingDaze. And what about the cheaters? Where are you ? Who are you? The Lauries want to hear from you. Why did you leave? Sometimes it takes more courage to leave than it does to stay. Write to us and have your say.

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Taking Out My Uterus Would Be Cheaper Than Buying Tampons

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:11:00 GMT

Just one money-saving tip in our own bailout package podcast. Want more? Borrow other people's stuff, charge your phone at the office, make playdates in place of babysitters. Even more? Click on the red button. Happy Valentine's Day!

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In This Economy

Tue, 3 Feb 2009 16:00:00 GMT

As Valentines Day approaches, we are reminded of those three little words we keep hearing: In this economy...
Go ahead, count how many times you hear that in a day. Anyway, we still talk about the things you want to hear: underwear, fat dolls, kids named after dictators, and other important stuff.
In this economy, you need us more.

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Technorati Profile

Is Fooling Around in Your Dreams Cheating?

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 23:05:00 GMT

Here at DivorcingDaze, we're proud to bring you nothing but the issues central to our survival as a nation, a people, a race. So, if you are noodling the neighbor or sleeping with a stranger only in your dreams, is that cheating? Hmmmm. Listen to the Lauries dance with this dilemma. Also: Barbie-doll beauty beheld, out-of-the-box thoughts about Laurieâs lingerie, multiple divorces, a kidney reclaimed and a new era inaugurated.

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Men, Makeup, Marriage

Thu, 8 Jan 2009 16:20:00 GMT

Happy January. The Lauries return with wishes that you all have a happy and healthy 2009, with no resolutions other than to accept life day by day - with laughter. This edition of DivorcingDaze features some listener-submitted, solo-holiday tips good all year round, a discussion of Charla Kruppâs new book, How Not to Look Old, and more on makeup, men and marriage. For an idea of what Laurie and Laurie look like, click on the video below.

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chat@divorcingdaze.com.

The Heartbreak Diet

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 16:08:00 GMT

In divorce, there is no one story exactly alike. Laurie's interview with Thorina Rose, author of The Heartbreak Diet: A Story of Family, Fidelity and Starting Over, though, plays like two old friends finding the humor in shared stories and similar circumstances.

Thorina Rose's funny, beautifully illustrated memoir charts the unexpected dissolution of her marriage and the struggles and adventures of starting over. After marrying young, living in New York, and settling in San Francisco, Rose and her husband start a family. When he begins an affair with his "running partner," Rose must find a way to rebuild her life with her two young sons, navigating her own inner doubts, the chorus of advice from well-meaning friends, and coping mechanisms close at hand: retail therapy and pet adoption (not so useful); leaning on friends and travels with gay men (very useful). With humor and insight, The Heartbreak Diet is a moving and entertaining meditation on fidelity, family, and finding one's way.

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Tom Meets Girl, Has Affair, Loses Girl

Thu, 4 Dec 2008 18:56:00 GMT

In the intoxicating aftermath of Thanksgiving, there is no recession, nor depression here at DivorcingDaze. Solar powered personal products, men on stilts, living alone, online dating, and a great Tip O The Pod await you.

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Getting Into Our Jeans

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:37:00 GMT

The noise coming from Laurie's building this week was not the construction. It was the Lauries cranking out the latest 'cast. And what a cast it is. Barack Obama, Rachel Maddow, Laurie & Laurie, New Guy and more. Listener mail, online dating, how not to wash your jeans. You know, you do not need an iPod to listen to the DivorcingDaze. If you are reading this, you already have what it takes to listen, right on your computer.

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Fixing Up a Friend With an Old Boyfriend

Thu, 6 Nov 2008 03:25:00 GMT

Recorded just before the historic presidential election, DivorcingDaze 76 crosses the borders of some blue states and takes the Lauries to the classroom, their favorite OBGYN, and down memory lane to fix up a friend with an old boyfriend.

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Why Do Women Blog?

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 20:42:00 GMT

Laurie & Laurie get together long enough to introduce an interview with Mir Kamin, of the blog Woulda Coulda Shoulda. Mir describes herself thus: "Iâm an over-educated, under-appreciated, (divorced) remarried mom to two. I have a lot of 'how exactly did I get here?' sorts of moments. Trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up when youâre already into your 30s and two small demanding creatures underfoot assume you know and understand everything can be a daunting task. Sometimes, youâve just gotta laugh. (Other times, youâve just gotta scream. I prefer the former.)" The blog is a blast.

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Should You Dye That Old Wedding Dress and Wear it Again?

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:07:00 GMT

Laurie and Laurie debate the issues. Should you dye that old wedding dress and wear it again? Do gorillas have boobs? How well does your X know your politics? And makeup tips for tough times. DivorcingDaze 74 is what America needs now.

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When His Wife Walked Out

Sun, 5 Oct 2008 14:45:00 GMT

When his wife walks out on him, Gabriel Cohen is stunned: "I didn't call out, didn't follow her to the door, I just lay down on the couch... as if I was settling into the coffin of our marriage."

In this week's podcast, Laurie1 conducts a compelling interview with Mr. Cohen, author of Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce.

The New York Times called it âPersonal and quietly startling.â

Click on the red button to listen.

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Having an Oprah Moment

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:51:00 GMT

So, you run into a friend on the street, and you say, âYou look great!â and you really mean it. But the friend doesnât really accept the compliment. But you really DO mean it. Finally, it sinks in. Her face lights up. The power of a compliment, a smile, a kind word. It really does work. Try it, and let us know how it goes.

Comments welcomed.

On our latest podcast, DivorcingDaze #72, we talk about it.

Also Laurie2 has hit her goal at WeightWatchers! Congratulate her HERE!

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Great Sex, Interrupted

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:35:00 GMT

School days, school days. Both Lauries send loved ones off to class, Hallmark goes gay, and things get scrambled when X borrows some eggs. Also, great sex, interrupted. And it is agreed there is no substitute for REAL Tupperware. Finally, does Lady Liberty need to do a few laps around the harbor? Come on in, DivorcingDaze #71 is fine.

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Does Cheating Really Mean the End?

chat@divorcingdaze.com — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 01:09:00 GMT

Laurie and Laurie will have their say, as they podcast on this August day. First there is a dedication, to one of love's associations. A listener writes in with a query: Does cheating really mean the end? The Lauries say that 'that depends.' I do, I do, you have my assurance, really love your health insurance. Click the button, leave a review, DivorcingDaze has more for you.
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Tori Spelling! Please Contact Us ASAP!

Fri, 8 Aug 2008 12:36:00 GMT

DD goes a lil bit country this week, as our redneck ranters escape from the city on L1âs birthday weekend. From mice to Mommies, laughter to Lovergirl, Google to garbage, the Lauries pack a lot into this rural rumination. A challenge to Tori Spelling to join the show and a Tip oâ the Pod round out the âcast as we head into the final weeks of summer. Set a spell, put yer feet up, enjoy.
Click on the red button.

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Eight Important Things You Need to Know

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 03:45:00 GMT

Laurieâs guest this week is Cynthia Rubin, family law attorney. Join them as they clink plastic glasses and have an honest conversation about divorce, the law, and how you can protect yourself before, during and after. Does the judge care about the cause of your divorce? Why getting support is so important. What to do if you are down and out, broke, and feeling trapped. And what makes for a good divorce?

chat@divorcingdaze.com.

Getting Phit, Celebs Divorce, We Love Men

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 14:34:00 GMT

In a week of messy celebrity divorces, DD's Laurie suggests Maureen Dowd's New York Times column, "An Ideal Husband," might be worth reading. This edition of DD is much about men, dedicated to men, and we read email from men. Click on the red button, man.
chat@divorcingdaze.com.

On the Road to IKEA: DD Goes Mobile

Tue, 1 Jul 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Laurie and Laurie podcast from the Lezbaru, on the road in New Jersey. What exit are you from? They hit a thunder storm, bother the new guy, who is in the back seat trying to read and stay out of it, and otherwise give you a tantalizing look behind-the-scenes of the number one divorce podcast on iTunes. This one is a light, frothy summer drink. Play it while you grill, lie on the beach, frolic in the pool.

Click on the red button.

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Positive Psychologist Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:37:00 GMT

Laurie 2 has an informative interview with positive psychologist Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, author of "The Enchanted Self - A Positive Therapy."

Click on the red button.
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Putting Your X In His Place and Out of Yours

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 12:48:00 GMT

As long as you know we don't know what we're talking about, we'll be fine. But third graders are in the know about Obama. In DD64's Listener Mail segment, putting the X in his place and out of your place, a listener wedding, and asking the right questions before getting married. We're still looking for the things you cannot live without, so, send them in. It's been hot and steamy in New York, but we slaved over a hot computer anyway to bring you our latest.

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The Divorce Party

Mon, 2 Jun 2008 23:07:00 GMT

Today on DivorcingDaze #63, Laurie 1 interviews Laura Dave, author of "The Divorce Party," just published.

On their 35th anniversary, Gwyn Huntington and her husband Thomas have invited friends and family to their Montauk home. Instead of celebrating their decades-long love, they are toasting their divorce. This also marks the weekend that their son brings home his fiancÃe, Maggie Mackenzie, for the first time. Maggie thought she was joining a perfect family, but she is about to reckon with some uncomfortable truths about the man she wants to marry.

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Wouldn't It Be Fun to Sleep With Someone Else?

Thu, 22 May 2008 15:44:00 GMT

In DivorcingDaze 62, Laurie & Laurie want to know...What can't you live without? Some politicians can't seem to live without a second family. You can't live without milk for the kids, dog food, and gas, despite the climbing prices. Some people can't live without Google, but there's a lot to be said for human search engines. And, the headline question, "Wouldn't it be fun to sleep with someone else?" Go ahead, you know you want to...

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How DivorcingDaze Began

Mon, 5 May 2008 18:03:00 GMT

DivorcingDaze #61

Sun, 4 May 2008 19:29:00 GMT

In DD 61, dinner out with a seemingly normal family, an exploration of emotional availability and the good fortune of a well-timed vacation round out the 'cast this week. And an interview with the lovely and talented Susan Sarandon, starring in the upcoming "Speed Racer," in which she plays a loving and supportive mom, like in real life. The Lauries are fans. There's more but if we told you here, you wouldn't...

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DivorcingDaze #60

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 17:48:00 GMT

The hot red boots may be gone, but their souls live on. Laurie & Laurie ponder pigs, pork and park benches. And they wonder what all the buzz is about Dr. Phil and rumors of his divorce. If anyone out there knows the real story, please send the scoop. This podcast is meant for playinâ...and you know what to do.

Click on the red button.

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It's The Laundry That's Dirty, Not the Airing

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:24:00 GMT

I should have responded to the article appearing on page ONE of The New York Times (ohmygodohmygodohmygod) four days ago, the day it was printed. In our age of instant communication this would make sense. The article that talked about DivorcingDaze. The article that quoted me. For Peteâs sake. Page ONE.

However, I was shell-shocked. Scared. Embarrassed. I wanted to run away and hide. Ironically, I was experiencing the same emotions that scarred my soul five very long years ago after reading Xâs Blackberry. Said New York Times article was headlined âWhen the Ex Blogs, the Dirtiest Laundry Is Airedâ?. And I felt dirty all over again. Comments screamed ânarcissism,â? â bad parenting,â? âsick societyâ? and so on.

Hmmmmmm.

Humans have a need to communicate. At least this human does. I pod to bond. To connect. To share. To help. To feel. What we talk about in our podcast, Iâve discovered, is pretty commonplace. It comes back to us in comments, emails, even âthank yous.â? And then I feel human again.

Humans are these funny creatures who like to dissect topics blow-by-blow. In our traditional male dominated media, we will over analyze a political race, a game of football, the cost of a barrel of oil all to the nth degree. But what about affairs of the heart? So little airtime and newsprint is devoted to the truly important topics that affect our lives in the most intimate ways. The real life stuff that happens in our homes. In our families. Itâs easy to criticize women who blog or podcast about their lives as useless, self-centered, even dangerous. But if what we do gets people talking about their feelings and feeling better for it, how can that be bad? Washington and Wall Street, take note.

The internet changes the power of âthe voice.â? It gives the power to everyone. Anyone. To women. Even to me. But more importantly, there is an audience for what these women (me) have to say. Or more accurately, have to feel.

As the reporter noted in her article, the Judge acknowledged DivorcingDaze may not be the best thing for co-parenting. I think the Judge is correct, because X sure is angry at me about this. But most things I do make him mad. Like when I read his blackberry that fateful day. Talking to Xâs soulmateâs husband: Very Mad. The day I accepted an invitation to visit his father and step-mother with our children: Mad. Asking for his flight information when taking our children to Florida: Mad. Breathing air: Mad. (get the picture here?) So if the Judge really knew what went on in real life in the last five years she might have to rule that my being alive is ill-advised for successful co-parenting.

So should I cease and desist in an attempt to appease and placate X? Iâve come close to it. In fact, when I discovered that he discovered DivorcingDaze I took everything down. I was afraid of him. Afraid of his anger. But then I remembered, Iâm not married anymore. And his anger should no longer be able to control me. And the podcasts went back up.

The worst thing Iâve said about X in DivorcingDaze is that he lied and cheated. Is it unfair for me to talk about the emotional fall-out when someone cheats and lies? We live in such an imperfect world. It is important to ask the right questions.

So after more contemplation, Iâd like to continue with DivorcingDaze. It serves a purpose, people like it, they find it helpful. Hopeful. Sometimes entertaining. And that makes me feel good. Itâs just like algebra. If I feel good, I am a better parent. Even a better co-parent. And I think we can all agree a happy mama makes for two very happy children.

I am proud of DivorcingDaze. I am proud of our listeners and of the people who write us. Who connect with us. I am proud of what I have become. And of what I do.

Hibernating all weekend long allowed these dirty feelings of mine to air out. Letâs just say that today, I have very clean laundry.

DivorcingDaze #59

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:44:00 GMT

Laurie interviews Vanessa Van Petten, author of âYou're Grounded!: How to Stop Fighting and Make the Teenage Years Easierï? and the Teens Today blog.

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #58

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:24:00 GMT

Tax day is near, time to get your assets in gear. Speaking of assets, Laurie and Laurie ponder their division, including the cleaning lady. Doesn't divorce mean you live in separate homes? And get your own damned doorman? Divide, already! There's more stuff about the significance of sharing assets of the chocolate chip kind, a trip to the Farmer's Market and looking back on love. Check out the Newsweek story on The Divorce Generation in our news section, and some new links to favorite blogs.

Click on the red button.

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DD #57: Case Discussed, Case Dismissed

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 12:16:00 GMT

"Enough! Alright. This one time, this one time I'll let you ask me about my affairs..." -Michael Corleone

Laurie & Laurie talk about the future of DivorcingDaze, just this once.

Click on the red button.

Photo: Paramount Home Entertainment

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DivorcingDaze #56

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:35:00 GMT

DivorcingDaze 56 is not to be missed, so pay attention. Today's discussion ranges from the halls of power to the jungles of Indonesia and is all about cheating, faithfulness, kids, romance and married love. And the Lauries wonder, "Are there any prostitutes listening?"
Monkeys, monogamy, and MÃnage Ã trois are also among the topics today. There are links to the articles referenced in the podcast, below, so put the kids to bed, pour a glass of wine, and start clicking. Oh, and please write to us and tell us if you think Silda should leave Elliot.

The NY Mag Spitzer Article
The Atlantic Monthly Article - Marry Him!
NY Times' Faithfulness Is a Fantasy

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #55

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 03:07:00 GMT

Thank you, Governor Spitzer. L & L discuss the foibles of New York's First Citizen, letters from the Tooth Fairy, tipping gone wild, kid stories, and more. A special musical guest rounds out DivorcingDaze #55. Enjoy!

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #54

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 12:36:00 GMT

There is an old saying, "The camera does not lie." Does your wedding photographer see what you were not yet able to see? Can she predict, through her lens, success or failure in marriage? More on old wedding bands and what to do with them, a call from Hillary and an arresting moment on the subway steps. Laurie and Laurie, podcasting from snowy New York City, in DivorcingDaze 54.

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #53

Sat, 9 Feb 2008 21:20:00 GMT

You asked for it, you got it: Laurie2 opens up. Other mysteries solved, answers found in this week's DivorcingDaze. Laurie and Laurie get to the heart of the wedding ring, whatever happened to Rebecca, and sometimes Mr. Rogers says it best.

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #52

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 05:21:00 GMT

When your dog is smiling, the whole world smiles with him. As does DivorcingDaze. Today, the Lauries resolve to keep the not-so-new orange sofa coffee-free, deliver red-faced responses to reader mail (from Laurie1's mom) and Laurie2 has the writer's strike blues. Plus, laughing out loud with Nora Ephron, exploring the science of romance and clearing up any remaining confusion about Minstrel Headaches. Oh, and a tip of the pod. Step up and vote row DD.

Click on the red button.

Photo: Elena Seibert Photography

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DivorcingDaze #51

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 22:45:00 GMT

"Sooner or later all the people of the world will have to discover how to live together."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you clink, you drink. Words of wisdom from our own Laurie and Laurie. Fittingly, today's topics include celebrity rehab, being on the verge of vegetarianism, and kids' tips for 40-something moms. Also, Luigi goes green, and Laurie2 forgets herself and gets all dreamy about men in prison. Join the discussion, too, on our Yahoo! Group, by clicking the link at the top of this page.

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #50

Mon, 7 Jan 2008 03:39:00 GMT

Oy vey, I'm gay! Transcribe this: Divorced Barbie, a matriarchal tribe in China, shopping adventures at Fairway. Get in the checkout line for DD50, like no other podcast.

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Great News and an Update on Savannah!

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 14:03:00 GMT

On October 31, we posted a message and video link sent to us by a listener in Maryland about a little girl with serious medical problems. (see the video by scrolling down) Well, just last night we received this encouraging email with an update on Savannah's condition:

"I just wanted to update you on some news....

I am the Maryland listener that asked you to post a video on your page about my niece, Savannah. In the middle of the night, my sister received "the call". Savannah had her liver transplant this morning, and there were no complications with her surgery. She is currently in PICU, and we pray that her body accepts the new liver with the aid of medicines. Thank you for taking the time to pass along her story!"

Savannah's Site

We know that we speak for everyone here at DivorcingDaze.com and on the groups and message boards in wishing Savannah all the best for a quick recovery.

DivorcingDaze #49

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 13:41:00 GMT

Merry Christmas! A present for all of us comes with this interview with Laurie Perry aka Crazy Aunt Purl, blogger and author of "Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair (The True-Life Misadventures of a 30-Something Who Learned to Knit After He Split.)" Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #48

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 14:46:00 GMT

Crazy Love. Monkey Love. Big Love. The Lauries examine those wacky primates and polygamists in DD 48. Plus, female social networking, wrinkle remedies and a couple of tips o the pod. Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #47

Thu, 6 Dec 2007 20:26:00 GMT

Today on DD, Laurie1 interviews Katherine Doughtie and Jill Doughtie about their blog "The DHX." Sisters? Nope. Katherine is the mom. Jill is the stepmom. Somehow, they make it work. And they blog about it. Together.

Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #46

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 17:46:00 GMT

A post-pre-Thanksgiving podcast. No leftovers here. Laurie2 gets blamed for her girlfriend's breakup. Evidence that EVERYONE can listen and learn from our podcasts. And the Lauries ask: "Can you climb down a ladder lookin' sexy?" Tyra Banks probably can. But would she know what to do when a friend is having an affair? Click on the red button.

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DivorcingDaze #45

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 13:41:00 GMT

We may know why that woman is smiling. The Thanksgiving 2007 Special is here, replete with all the fixins for a podcasting feast. L1 has a shoe-shopping tip, L2 dishes Duran Duranâs dainties, and together they deliver a delicious DivorcingDaze, just in time for the holiday. Click on the red button and let bake for 22 minutes.

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DivorcingDaze #44

Thu, 8 Nov 2007 16:47:00 GMT

Halloween in New York City is pretty much just like any other day, except the stories are better. Witches bad and good, dumb-ass ladies and kids in the hood. The Lauries have a tricky tale or two, come on, get happy, you know what to do.

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From a DivorcingDaze Listener

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 13:26:00 GMT

One of our listeners from Maryland submitted this video about a little girl named Savannah who needs all of your thoughts and prayers.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE ABOUT SAVANNAH

DivorcingDaze #43

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 12:11:00 GMT

Does Al Gore listen to DivorcingDaze as he shovels kitchen scraps into the compost pile? Are pedestrians out to get Laurie1? Can we blame Rhoda Morganstern for everything? DivorcingDaze is stopped at the light, ready to make a left. Blow your horn at chat@divorcingdaze.com.

Photo: MTM Productions

DivorcingDaze #42

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 01:27:00 GMT

Theyâre like The Car Talk guys, only not. Laurie and Laurie discuss sunroofs, heated seats, the pleasures of vintage automobiles. And speaking of pleasure, Laurie 2 has a tip oâ the pod for you in that category, but you have to listen to the whole show to hear it. Also tonight, funny graffiti, courtroom drama, a funny Mama.

DivorcingDaze #41

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 13:20:00 GMT

Hide the homework, hide the cookies...and for pete's sake hide the podcasts!

DivorcingDaze #40

Thu, 4 Oct 2007 17:07:00 GMT

We're still here. This one was recorded a couple of weeks ago, before, well, before the official end of Summer: why we love Canada, yes, we do sometimes walk the dog behind the police station and you know, you just can't talk to a crazy person. All this and more in the fortieth edition of DivorcingDaze, made fresh for you right here in New York City.

Peas of the Pod 9: All Dressed Up and No Place To Go

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 11:51:00 GMT

Holiday Season. Although just as deserving of a column, this one will not be about my first alternate Xmas without my children. This is much more 'tis the season' than that.

Xmas present to self is to finalize divorce (which has been on the table for two years now). And get a pedicure. So four way meeting is set for five days before Xmas among X, X's brand new attorney, brought on moments before signing divorce agreement 'cause X "needed better representation," my attorney, who has made it clear I am the poorest and least important (not necessarily in that order) client and myself.

Monday morning's appointment is preceded by a week of boasting to all of my loved ones, and anyone else who will listen, to the trials (hope not) and tribulations of my divorce's picayune legalities and countless hypothetical non possibilities that might occur. "I'm walking out of that office divorced. Or I'm not walking outâ." I gloat to all of my listeners.

Except I have to get dressed first. What does one wear for such an occasion? Aware that X has not seen me "dressed" in quite a while, I want to look good. "Good" meaning confident, sexy, powerful, hip, happy, better off, heart healed, moved on, loved by another, and even desirableâby him. (I admit.) The only thing perfectly suitable to satisfy stated definition is black. A nice complement to the white once worn to inaugurate the union. Ying Yang, I suppose. Black pants. Black top. Every black item I own is tried on, tossed aside and tried on a second time with stomach muscles squeezed tighter and head held higher. There ya' go.

Hair. Makeup. Scent. Confidently clasp necklace X bought for me during romantic Parisian getaway, intended to/wondering if it will evoke feeling of remorse. Or any feeling at all. Removal of dog and cat hair. He was not fond of the animals much (I should have known then). Final dabbing of lip gloss in the elevator's reflection in my attorney's office high-rise only afforded by tenants who charge their clients 400/hour. Riding up to the 34th floor allows just enough time to do breathing exercise aimed to raise level of serenity and lower possibility of potential tears at the scene.

Receptionist announces my arrival. Attorney's 225.00/hr assistant appears and says X and the better representative have cancelled. Mix up. Bad communication. Misunderstanding. Someone wise once told me people divorce the way they were married. Case in point. So here I am, all dressed up and no place to go. In a vain attempt to accomplish something I suggest a four-way phone meeting. All parties reject that idea. So the next available date to meet appears to be in the second week of January! I take my black outfit and defeated self right out the door.

I will be married come the new year. We will file taxes jointly for 2005. Oxford health plans will have a Mr. and Mrs. X in their records. I will celebrate Xmas married with children but alone. All that much more wrong. "I can't even divorce well," I gloom to myself.

The failure of our four way meeting today drives me to take drastic actionâI take matters into my own hands. Free of charge. I step into the discounted department store across the street from attorney's high rent skyscraper and in the midst of the store window's mannequins; I call X and insist we negotiate all outstanding differences on the phone. Right there and then. The makeshift office inspires me to remain as cool and emotionless as my stiff and steely witnesses. After all, I am as well dressed as they are.

By the end of my storefront negotiations I feel less defeated than the morning promised. What transpired in that discount department store, the week before Xmas, gave me everything I wanted and I gave everything I was willing to give.

Tomorrow I'm getting my pedicure.

DivorcingDaze #39: Feast of Love

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 01:08:00 GMT

Laurie & Laurie talk about the new movie FEAST OF LOVE, directed by Robert Benton. When a nice coffee shop owner (Greg Kinnear) has his life thrown into turmoil after his wife (Selma Blair) leaves him for another woman (Alexa Davalos), his best friend (Morgan Freeman) does his best to encourage him to get back into the dating pool. It actually works, but when the single guy gets involved with a pretty blonde (Radha Mitchell), will he only get his heart broken all over again? Click just below to listen.

Peas of the Pod 8: The Anniversary

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 11:31:00 GMT

Today is my wedding anniversary. And technically, I am still married. As we approach the signing of our divorce agreement (isnât that â divorce agreement -- an oxymoron?) I am more than sure that this will be the last year that my wedding anniversary will pass that I will be, in fact, married...

Click Here to Continue

DivorcingDaze #38

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 15:42:00 GMT

Laurie and Laurie are back!

DivorcingDaze #37

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 03:46:00 GMT

Laurie invited "New Guy" to fill in for the vacationing Laurie2. So it follows that tonight's topics include their online dating experiences and observations on the state of divorce. Long marriages, dumb books, slumber parties and a shared tip o' the pod round out this late summer edition of DivorcingDaze.

Peas of the Pod 7: The Stranger Within

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 11:21:00 GMT

My five year old daughter woke this morning whimpering there was "a ghost in that closet". She pointed to my half-opened closet that once housed X's suits, shirts and ties. Instead of the expected maternal reassurance, I whispered back, "yes, sweetie, there is a ghost there." My own inside joke.

OK, I quickly came to and added, " I'll go get rid of it."

I swear, that is the farthest I go in intentionally "bad mouthing" X in front of my children. I'm actually quite proud of my upstanding behavior and attitude regarding him -- in the presence of his children. They have no idea of my truth. I am surprised, if not enlightened, by my evolved behavior. If given this hypothetical 5 years ago, I would have predicted tantrums, obnoxious outbursts, and sarcastic jibes all over the place.

And I am all too acutely aware that even though X has become a much stronger father figure in the girls' lives since he moved out two years ago, he has faded as a three dimensional person in my life. Sure, he prevails in my daydreams and nightmares â as I still navigate through the terms of our impending divorce. And yes, I update him almost daily on the ear infection or new shoe size. And yes, he still lives six floors above me.

But who and what X is and does during his workday and/or free time is now a total unknown. He is a stranger. A ghost. I would never leave my children with a babysitter I knew so little about. But here, weekend after every other weekend, Wednesday night after Wednesday I hand my two jewels over to a complete stranger. In fact, I know nothing about the man I shared a bed with for five years. In his explanation of his infidelity he said that he had "contorted himself" to fit into our marriage â that he was not being who he really is. Now, I'm not sure he knows who he really is as he continues to dabble with married women and such. But certainly, then, I know less than nothing about the father of my children. Who they spend weekends with! Does he know what to say when they wake in the middle of the night with a nightmare? Can he comfort a wounded feeling? the hurt knee? Can he convince them to eat their greens? Wash behind ears? Slather SPF 40 over their delicate skin? Put them to bed on time? Will he buckle their car seats securely? And soberly drive the speed limit when they are with him?

The answer to all of the above is that I don't know. But as I look back over the last two years of survival and revivalâ.of redefinition and transformation, it has been the strangers in my world who have helped me survive. The gentleman who stopped on the Merritt Parkway to change my flat tire. The woman who carried one of my two crying children up the subway stairs. A neighbor who offered to take my dog for his nightly walks. All strangers in my world who literally saved the day. My day. My life, it seems.

And so, I believe in trusting the stranger in my midst. Including the one who lives six floors above.

Truth is, the most interesting stranger I've met in these days of divorce is myself. The part I had not known fully before. Full of emotions and desire, the entire range, I did not know I had nor could feel. Including forgiveness.

Cary Grant & Irene Dunne Divorce Scene From "The Awful Truth" 1937

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 01:58:00 GMT

Peas of the Pod 6: Self Image

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 01:32:00 GMT

Self image, such a fragile thing. Like a baby's demeanor, this image of self can darken or brighten in a matter of seconds.

Sometimes the smallest comments can carry the biggest ammo. You know those comments, the ones made in passing...innocentlyâ. And at the time those 'comments in passing' are passed, you laugh them off with a shrug, a giggle, perhaps an eye roll. But then, sometimes, the comments, wellâlinger. They grow. Take on new meaning. Haunt you. For hoursâdays...weeks...even MONTHS!

Time of divorce, reasonably, can be a sensitive time. It is a time, in fact, when friends and family, should, well, lie to you. Little ones, white lies. To push you forward, instill hope and inflate the divorcing ego.

But not everyone you encounter will be that 'sensitive.' Innocent, yes, ego propping, perhaps not.

Not too long ago, my five year old, cuddling next to me in bed, early morning, gazing at me with awe and adoration, in a way, only a young child can offer, tenderly touched my face. It felt so good. Worth it all. And then she whispered, "Mommy, you grew another chin."

If life had sound effects, the slide whistle ending in a crash would be heard.

And then there was the time, not too long after the aforementioned epiphany, that the same five year old told this writer to cover her legs more, to prevent the babysitter's boyfriend, from seeing these 'fat legs.' For that would offend.

Offense taken.

A few weeks ago, I hauled my two girls, dog and self off to my parent's beach house for a little R and R. "Nana will take care of us," I declared. Within the first hour of arrival, "Nana" defiantly noted, "oh look, you have stretch marks. I didn't know you had those."

Some comments just can't be commented on back.

For my 41st birthday (ouch) my babysitter gave me a day at the spa. Luxury for the soul the certificate promised.

As I'm wrapped in warm towels, serenaded by Enya and the essence of lavender, my facialist (is that what they are called?) tells me what creams and oils she is applying to my skin. I'm at peace. But she continues. In her thick Russian accent, she declares what her obstacles are. For a bigger tip? She thinks aloud? She is cruel? I hear things like "broken capillaries," "dark circles", "blotchy red skin" "whiteheads," "blackheads." These dirty words of hers are followed with a "tsk, tsk, tsk". On my birthday, no less.

My grandmother taught me that every cloud has a silver lining. A motto I truly believe. I have to, afterall.

The manicurist at the spa delivers the birthday promise. I tell her this spa day is a gift from my babysitter. She says, also with a Russian accent that sounds more mellifluous than the former beautician's, "You have children? You're too young." "Oh, I'm older than I look" I assure her. And then to push my luck I ask, "How old do you think I am?" She studies me with a discerning eye and offers, "Twenty-six?"

And I'll let that comment in passing linger and soothe my soul for a long, long time.

DivorcingDaze #36

Thu, 5 Jul 2007 01:07:00 GMT

Laurie1 models her new bathing suit for X. Laurie2 considers her car for sex. Exploring doubts, red flags, Father's Day wishes and memories. Happy Independence Day to all of you!

DivorcingDaze #35

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 16:17:00 GMT

Today's edition of DD explores eight kinds of love, Target moving in on Vera Wang, the non-babysitting babysitter's hot outfit and the mystery of her whereabouts. Also, the New Guy's daughter cooks a gourmet feast, the phone rings a few times, and the Lauries laugh a lot, which is always good.

Peas of the Pod 5: The Soulmate

Tue, 5 Jun 2007 14:35:00 GMT

Here is another of the early columns in the series that led to the DivorcingDaze Podcast:

Enjoy!

THE SOULMATE

Ok, pinch me. OUCH.

So, last night (Saturday night) X took the girls for "his weekend" at 5:00pm. This morning, fourteen hours later, 7:00 am, the phone rings.

Me: "Hello?"

X: "Oh, did I wake you? I'm sorry."

Me: "That's ok."

X: "You sleep with the phone by your bed?"

My Sunday morning needs to begin with X questioning what appliances I keep near my bed? This could get interesting. But I'm a realist so I change the topic.

Me: "What's going on?"

X: "Well, I was wondering if you could come up and watch the girls for a bit so I can run to the supermarket."

Me: "ok."

X: "Really appreciate it."

For two years I manage to feed, clothe, clean, and raise the girls, work, and walk the dog three times a day without relying on him. Although come to think of it, there were two occasions when I asked X to help me out with the dog. The first time he said, "Stop testing me, Laurie." And the second time he said, "NO." But who is counting here? And obviously nobody is keeping score.

So, like the obedient wife, I drag myself out of bed, make a pot of coffee and head up to the 9th floor.

It does warm my heart to enter X's apartment because my two reasons for living greet me with their sleepy smiles and warm hugs.

X is dutifully apologetic and grateful, which of course, warms my heart as well. Note to self: discuss this point in next therapy appointment.

I tell myself this is really one of those win-win `situations.' I get to see my kidsâ. I get a chance to be in X's apartment without himâ.

So X returns from the supermarket and invites me to stay for breakfast. The girls cheer combined with the memory of his bacon (the one food item I will always burn) and his cinnamon French toast convince me to stay the morning.

During breakfast X complains about his migraines and sleepless night. (Ya' know, voodoo dolls really can work!)

He asks if I could watch the girls for a few hours so he can try to nap. No problem, I offer. I tell him I'll take the girls to a movie.

X shifts uncomfortably in his chair, looks away and says, "Well, we have a big day planned."

"What's planned?" I ask.

Unfortunately, X knows he can no longer dodge, for his five-year-old daughter sings like a canary. Forced to admit the truth he explains that he, the girls, the "soul mate boss" and her girls, are all going to see "The Incredibles."

It isn't until I return to the third floor I realize what has just happened. X has asked me to take the girls on my one day off in two weeks to watch them so he can nap so that he won't be too tired to go on a date with the woman he left me for. And not only that, but he puts in the request that I not see a movie when I'm with the kids cause that's what the Brady Bunch will be doing this afternoon! Who needs to see the movie "The Incredibles" -- I've got it all right here.

As we three leave his apartment he asks that I have the girls ready at noon.

The hours pass, X picks the girls up surprisingly on time. The girls leave with washed faces, pressed clothes and braided hair. Wouldn't want them to disappoint the boss.

Win â win you ask? The entire morning screams Win â LOSE! Or just LOSER! But as I crawl into bed to hibernate for the rest of the day, I recall my lack of judgment and immaturity. I'm the first to admit that 'you can take the kids away from mom but you can't take the kid out of mom." Those few minutes alone in X's apartment afforded me just enough alone time with the soul mate's toothbrush. And you know what? Forget chicken soup. Revenge soothes the soul just fine.

DivorcingDaze #34

Sat, 2 Jun 2007 13:59:00 GMT

Can a woman look HOT when pushing a stroller? When will Laurie meet the rest of The New Guy's family? Laurie 2 and Limbo Girl prepare to attend LG's high school reunion...how will it play in the Heartland? These and other questions are explored in the latest episode of DivorcingDaze.

DivorcingDaze #33

Wed, 23 May 2007 03:54:00 GMT

Laurie & Laurie had a look at the Married In America 2 documentary. They watched it on a rainy day in New York City, put on a pot of coffee and then turned on the mic. Enjoy.

DivorcingDaze #32

Sat, 19 May 2007 15:18:00 GMT

Laurie interviews Michael Apted, renowned director of the documentary Married in America 2,and director of the acclaimed 7Up documentary series. Apted is also a prolific feature film director whose credits include Coal Miner's Daughter,Gorillas in the Mist,Nell,and the James Bond thriller, The World Is Not Enough. Amazing Grace, Apted's film about the life of William Wilberforce and the fight to end slavery, was in theaters earlier in 2007.

DivorcingDaze #31

Sat, 12 May 2007 11:41:00 GMT

Lust, laughter and lesbians are on the Lauries' lists tonight. They hobnob with Hillary, Rosie, Barbara & Martha. Confessions of X's cleaning lady, pet peeves and a shout-out to Port Moody.

DivorcingDaze #30

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 07:10:00 GMT

Did X cheat? Or was he just shopping around for a new model? Hear how X spins the story to the offspring. And speaking of off, we have the off-the-wall fatherly phone rant from Alec Baldwin to his 11-year-old, right here on DivorcingDaze #30. The topic is burning up the boards on our Yahoo! Group. And check out the biggest dog in the world. Grab a bag of chips and join us for this and more.

DivorcingDaze #29

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 17:15:00 GMT

DivorcingDaze 29 brings sound health advice, a quote from Churchill, a vacation not taken. The new guy moves and X gets cool. Talk about it in our Yahoo! group.

DivorcingDaze #28

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 06:04:00 GMT

Laurie & Laurie share a hairdresser, a gynecologist, and some ginger-honey iced tea. Pokey shares the family eye doctor, a famous tennis-playing transexual. And as usual, the Lauries share their secrets and fantasies. DivorcingDaze #28 is the best 24 minutes you've heard all week. Share it.

Peas of the Pod 3: The Divorce Lawyer

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 13:50:00 GMT

Here is one of the early DivorcingDaze columns that led to our podcast, this one about the high cost of divorce, paying for my divorce lawyer's vacation, and how I learned to be REALLY, REALLY cranky...

I donât think you can write a divorce column and not have one piece focus on The Divorce Lawyer. Theyâre a breed unto their own. Iâm gonna come clean: I donât like mine.

She just called to ask me why Iâve been cranky recently? I swear. Those were her exact words. CRANKY!     As if itâs not bad enough that X resorts to name calling on occasion, but my lawyer? I now feel a special bond with my 4year old â it IS frustrating when the person of power asks why you are cranky.
Isnât it obvious why?

Ok. So she wants to know why Iâm cranky? Take a deep breath. At 400 dollars an hour she needs that question answered? Iâm going through a divorce, after all. Of course Iâm cranky! Doesnât she get it? The only person who seems to be getting anything they want in this divorce -- is my lawyer! My life savings have been drained down to less than what I had when I was the 15-year-old neighborhood babysitter!   And my lawyer has it all.   Did she really just ask me that question???

I wonder if she is going to bill me for posing, âWHY AM I CRANKY?â? After all, she billed me 40 bucks when she went on her Aspen ski vacation because she chose to tell her firmâs partner that âshould my clientâs husbandâs lawyer call while Iâm away, tell her that Iâll be back in two weeks.â? Really â I was charged for that inner office conversation. For her vacation.   But I guess it was all worth it because I got to see a picture of my lawyer slash ski bunny on the Aspen slopes at a later meeting.   It looked like it was a lot of fun.

Then there was that 40 buck charge for the voicemail I left. I think I said, âmy husband is giving his lawyer his offer letter from his new job today and youâll be getting it shortly.â?

I was also charged 900 bucks for a letter that never went out because â we changed tactics.â? I was charged 500 dollars for a memo I was not allowed to see.   Apparently a law student poorly wrote a summary regarding a legal question I had about the charge of adultery. Only I was not allowed to see the memo because my lawyer didnât like the quality of the writing. In fact, my attorney told me she was aghast at the low level of writing. That cost 40 bucks. So she gave me the option to either spend more money for a more experienced attorney to clean up the memo or spend 200 dollars for her to verbally summarize the poorly written document. I opted for curtain number two.

In the last three months, Iâve been charged about 5K for miscellaneous lawyerly things like postage, fax, poorly written memos, etc. etc. Yet nothing in my case has transpired. Not one proposal has actually been sent out to opposing counsel. Just one lonely letter sent out to say we were working on things, please be patient. 120 bucks.

No sense of closure on the horizon. No light at the end of my tunnel.   Just more double digit charges for stamps, phone messages and emails. The black hole in process only leads me to invent more legal questions for my attorney -- and more charges. The lack of definition concerning visitation and financials bombards my cranky home. And then more questions. At an average of 250 a pop.

Iâm actually a little surprised I havenât been charged for all the tissues Iâve cried upon during the âtacticalâ? meetings between blubbering client and attorney. Maybe thereâs hope.

But if I find out that on my next invoice, Iâve been charged the minimum 40 bucks (or probably more, because this phone conversation might have squeaked past the six minute mark) for my attorney to call and ask the oh-so-obvious question of why I AM CRANKY...Iâm gonna, well Iâm gonnaâ.stomp my foot, join my daughterâs brigade and get â.reallyâ.REALLYâ.. REALLY â.CRANKY!

And then Iâll call my therapist for help -- only 150 bucks for 50 minutes. A New York City bargain.

DivorcingDaze #27

Thu, 8 Mar 2007 03:06:00 GMT

Great news! DivorcingDaze 27 has a theme! And believe it or not it has nothing to do with sex. Join the Lauries for a cool multimedia experience.

DivorcingDaze #26

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 14:36:00 GMT

Tonight on the season premiere of DivorcingDaze: Lying, pain and pleasure. Kids and the new adults in their lives. Thoughts of Valentine's Day. And, yes Virginia, there is gay marriage. Click, then later, wash your hands.

Peas of the Pod 2: Losing As Art

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 20:20:00 GMT

This is the second of the original columns which inspired the creation of our DivorcingDaze podcast. Happy Valentines Day!

A couple of months after my husband left, my mother emailed me a poem called âOne Art.â?   I think her motivation was to help ease my pain. My English teacher mother often offers her maternal comfort and advice through the works of famous, dead, white, male authors like Shakespeare and Chaucer. Well, this dayâs message came from a dead white woman poet, Elizabeth Bishop.

I think Bishopâs point in her poem âOne Artâ? is that losing is a craft â an art. She writes, âThe art of losing isnât hard to master.â? And she writes, âLoss is no disaster.â?   For Peteâs sake, people lose things all the time, teaches Ms. Bishop: keys, an hour, a watch, a house, a city, a continent, a loved one. People lose all the time, so, you know, get over it. No more blubbering. Move on.

What I have found in this past year of total loss is that losing breeds more losing. And, quite frankly, it is a disaster, Ms. Bishop.

Letâs seeâ.upon discovery of Xâs affair I spent the first two months losing lots of sleep. Lots. Iâm still trying to catch up. In a matter of two weeks, I think I lost 12 pounds. I loss all body fat. Loss of sleep provides a perfect breeding ground for losing many more a material thing. One wallet, one watch, one set of car keys, one cell phone, one pair of diamond earrings and one diamond and sapphire wedding ring that I still wore on my middle finger. Thatâs a lot to lose in 10 months. And like Madonna, I have discovered, I too, am a material girl. And it hurts. Lots.

I lost my husband, my marriage, frankly, life, as I knew it. I lost my in-laws, my sister in law, two nieces I adored. Half my books and cds, that really good griddle. My self-esteem, my dignity, my youthful look, an innocence. Every other weekend with my two precious daughters. Every other Thanksgiving, every other Christmas. My mind at times.   My boggle partner, my best friend (scratch that one), my lover, my tennis partner, my story teller, my dish washer, my financial provider, my medical insurance, my security, my boxing partner. Pictures that hung on the wall. My coffee maker, who always woke before I did. A smell, a confidence, a vow.

I lost a stressful job because I couldnât handle âALL THAT STRESS.â? I lost my very helpful neighbors who moved to Florida. I even lost my divorce lawyer who became a judge. That one was really tough.

So Ms. Bishop, for me, losing, no matter how much you do it, IS hard to master. Iâm still not used to it. And hereâs a secret Iâll share: I hope I never get used to it. Because that would mean, I would really be left with nothing.

Losing doesnât get easier the more you do it. It isnât something that improves the soul. It most certainly darkens it. Writers and poets, dead and alive, hear me roarâ.Losing is Disastrous.

But life can go on.

DivorcingDaze #25

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 00:36:00 GMT

For DivorcingDaze 25, please gather friends, a bottle of wine or two, and your sense of humor. Staying in the marital home, where the bearclaw mittens roam, a telemarketer rings the phone. The Lauries are at their best this evening. Fasten your seatbelts and click on the button.

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DivorcingDaze #24

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 13:38:00 GMT

In this edition of DivorcingDaze: Falling for the wrong one after divorce, cheating women, New Guy gets framed. Is that Oprah Winfrey at the door? Click to find out.

DivorcingDaze #23

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 04:26:00 GMT

Cops, cars and liars. Forget Jack Bauer, all of the interesting stuff is going on right here at DivorcingDaze 23. Also, listener mail.

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DivorcingDaze #22

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 14:44:00 GMT

The first new podcast of 2007. On the agenda: underwear, dental care, good sex, tales of X. A surprise announcement from Laurie #1. Start the New Year off right. Listen to us, then write.

Peas of the Pod 1

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 18:43:00 GMT

DivorcingDaze actually started as written columns, before the birth of our podcasts. We got so excited with the new podcast technology that we nearly forgot all about them and they lived only on my hard drive. I'm posting them for you to read, not hear...this is where it all began...

DIVORCING DAZE: my column (1) 2003

This is the thing. Some days are bad. And some are just worse. I have a four year old, a two year old, a cat, a 200 lb dog and I live in New York City. And I'm getting a divorce.
Divorce is not a good thing even if half of all married couples do it. Nope, nothing good about it. But where would we be if we couldn't laugh at our own misery?
If you are a New Yorker, you're probably familiar with those not too rare occasions where you are scheduled to be in two places at the same time. Even before my husband left me for his soul mate of a boss it was hard to get out the door with two young children. And now as a single mother with an overburdened schedule and bruised heart I feel like doing three Hail Marys when the children and I successfully exit through the lobby doors of my apartment building. And I am Jewish. Well, this Wednesday morning in the dead, and I mean DEAD, of winter, was one of those swell times.
Applying to kindergarten in New York City deserves a weekly column all on its own, but to say the least, it is a time consuming, annoying and nearly preposterous process. Even if all you want (or can afford) is public school.
So this morning I had a tour scheduled at PS 87 on West 78th Street at 9:00am. Which is the same time I drop my four year old off at nursery school on 103rd St. Before any of this happens I need to walk the 200 lb dog and get the two year old to my babysitter who is babysitting for someone else today (I won't explain).
To make my life easier, or so I think, I enlist my soon-to-be X to help with my morning rush hour. Did I mention that the soon-to-be X (from heretofore will just be referred to as X) lives six floors above me in the SAME building? And yes, that truly defines a living nightmare.
Now they say if you don't learn from your mistakes, you are just stupid. So please just call me stupid. Running issue through marriage was X's LATENESS. I guess you could call me optimistic, but I'm not. I'm stupid. X due downstairs to pick 4-year-old up at 8:00 and take her to school. My well thought out plan should work fine. She's up, (not easy), dressed (hard), eaten half a banana (with pleading), hair brushed (really difficult) and shoes on. Lunch is made, newly washed sheets for naptime ready to go. Scarf, hat and mittens found and the phone rings. X will be 10 minutes late. Thirty minutes later he shows his well-rested face. No dark circles under his eyes. No cat hair nor dog slobber on his coat.
So now I have 30 minutes to walk the dog, drop off the two year old and get to the school tour that starts at 9:00 SHARP and no latecomers need apply. I make a quick executive decision and tell the dog he'll just have to hold it in. I throw the two year old in her stroller, put on my hot pink down parka bought soon after X left -- in one of those "he can't get me down" buying binges aimed to heighten the "I'll show him" attitude.
I jog through high piles of New York City slush to the babysitter's. I arrive at her building, flushed, out of breath but feeling positive about the possibility of making this school tour for kindergarten on time. Only the elevators of this high-rise building aren't working.
Power is quickly restored but I've lost six precious minutes that I did not have. Drop the kid off and try to hail a cab. And try. And try. Run to subway, miss the local by a breath and then wait. And wait. And wait.
ItÃ??s now 9:20 and IÃ??m running through the halls of PS 87 hoping to catch up with the touring moms and dads. When I sneak into the group, I think I feel judgmental stares. Perhaps it's the cat hair and dog saliva that decorate my hot pink down parka.
After the THREE hour tour of this elementary school I ask the principal for an application for an "out of zone" student so I can offer prolific descriptions of the academic promise of my four year old. The principal twists a wry smile and says, "Oh, you're too late for that. THAT was due in December. NO EXCEPTIONS."
I exit and trudge to the uptown subway. On the dank underground stairs, a well-dressed woman passes by and says, "Your coat's a great color." I'm actually, almost, moved to tears. Ailing, maybe, resilient, yep, hot pink? Absolutely.
So my hot pink down parka, even covered in cat hair and dog slobber, elicits a compliment. And for the first time this morning I smile. And stay smiling until I get home to see what the 200lb dog has done inside my apartment.

DivorcingDaze #21

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 16:22:00 GMT

Just in time, the DivorcingDaze Holiday Special! And the results of our holiday poll are in: Do you think it is a good idea to celebrate the holidays with X for the sake of the kids? 25% say "no way."

DivorcingDaze #20

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 22:31:00 GMT

The bills may be unpaid, the laundry undone, and holiday shopping incomplete, but DD 20 is here. The Lauries both have dreams of X that confuse and perplex. Gay marriage and the Brangelina bandwagon. Being a better person, and who gets to keep the traditions when you divorce? Also, check out the link under Divorce in the News on the right of this page for a new story "Divorce Does Not Spell Doom at Christmas." Now click away.

Children of Divorce

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 22:37:00 GMT

Divorce can wreak havoc on the lives of children, but University of Florida research shows it helps school-age girls when parents make a clean break, rather than continuing a troubled union. You may agree or disagree based on your own observations or experiences, but check out this clip while we prepare DivorcingDaze #20, and share your opinions in our Yahoo! DivorcingDaze Group. Just click the Yahoo! button at the top of the page.

DivorcingDaze # 19

Sun, 3 Dec 2006 18:52:00 GMT

The holidays approach. X has the kids, so what to do? Thanksgiving is a moveable feast. But moving the cat a few feet seems to be a problem with consequences. What would you do? This and more from Laurie and Laurie as they get into the season's spirit. Click away as you decorate.

DivorcingDaze #18

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 20:57:00 GMT

Nothing like listener mail and a bottle of wine to inspire a glassful of DivorcingDaze observations and discussion. Should you sleep with the X? Are you ever embarrassed about being divorced? What do you tell your kids when they start asking questions? DivorcingDaze #18 is at the gate, boarding and ready for takeoff.

DivorcingDaze #17

Thu, 2 Nov 2006 02:58:00 GMT

Coochie Goes Mad in DD17! The Soulmate returns, X's girlfriend comes out of the closet, and lunch with the gynecologist? Ford gets bold, we get sold. Get in here now, before it's all gone.

DivorcingDaze #16

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 18:15:00 GMT

In this long-delayed DD 16, Laurie and Laurie banish the word "failure" from the definition of divorce, fantasize and speculate about last words to former spouses, and manage to recall fond memories, in and out of marriage.

DivorcingDaze #15

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 01:49:00 GMT

The divorce continuum. Like life, divorce has its phases. Before, during and sometimes long after. Tonight, DD15 explores fear of separation, fear of staying together, sleeping alone, sleeping together, and e-mail from an angel.

DivorcingDaze #14

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 16:23:00 GMT

Words spoken and unspoken. What to say and whether to say it. When you meet the new guy's daughter by accident. When you find your X with someone else. When you run into the X's new squeeze in the elevator. Laurie and Laurie dance this verbal Hokey Pokey and ask for your thoughts. Also, fixing what's broken, hot times in the city, the pleasure of a smile. DivorcingDaze 14. Come and get it.

DivorcingDaze #13

Thu, 3 Aug 2006 13:44:00 GMT

Laurie celebrates a birthday with the girls and the new guy. When do you stop calling the new guy "the new guy?" A badly-timed "gift" from X and an unfortunate lockout. Bubba stars once again in a salty adventure. The beach, a bitch, and doglovers in Southampton. Laurie the Neighbor co-hosts again this week, and reveals her own divorce story, with a twist. Miss her "tip o' the pod" at your own risk. DivorcingDaze # 13 awaits. You know what to do next.

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DivorcingDaze # 12

Thu, 6 Jul 2006 20:32:00 GMT

It's Laurie and Laurie this week on DD 12, as Rebecca could not make this podcast. Laurie, the upstairs neighbor, you may remember, is Laurie's frequent 'partner in crime,' and a guest on a recent podcast. This chapter brings us some inconvenient truths: one unshaven leg, recurring nightmares, and an unexpected encounter with the X's latest girlfriend. Also a Sneak Preview of the sex toy store tour. Try saying that three times fast. And write to us, at chat@divorcingdaze.com. Oh, and check out A Mommy's World, run by our MySpace friend Kristen.

DivorcingDaze #11

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 04:22:00 GMT

Laurie and Rebecca test drive some new headgear and discuss pet peeves, wearing makeup to walk the dog, lost shoes at X's apartment and a squaredance where there are too many partners to swing. Does anyone out there know how to pronounce Deepak Chopra's name correctly? Send us your rants, give us some love, listen now to DD number 11 and tell your friends to do the same.

DivorcingDaze #10

Wed, 7 Jun 2006 03:33:00 GMT

With the unofficial start of summer, DD10 is optimistic, forgiving and generous. An appreciation of what is good...Rebecca and Laurie even have some nice things to say about the Xs. But, still, they have stories you could not make up. X goes fishin' for chicken, in-laws turn outlaw, and boo-boos of the former spouses. So hit the red button and enjoy.

DivorcingDaze #9

Tue, 30 May 2006 22:04:00 GMT

Intelligent life has been found in DD #9. Rebecca on the pitfalls of assuming emotional intelligence, as she recounts a recent date, Laurie makes the intelligent choice and attends her college reunion, and a special guest joins the show to talk about intelligence of a very different kind. Other topics: Brunch with the X's soulmate, crazy things you do, good vibrations at Home Depot, and maintaining a sense of humor.

DivorcingDaze #8

Fri, 26 May 2006 12:11:00 GMT

L and R share muffins and coffee in this alcohol-free edition of DD. Number eight finds the ladies recounting Mother's Day, migraines, fading memories of marriage. Divorce as a dirty word, and the insanity that sometimes follows. What's the craziest thing you have done after a breakup? We'll show you ours if you show us yours:
chat@divorcingdaze.com.

DivorcingDaze #7

Thu, 18 May 2006 02:48:00 GMT

Rebecca and Laurie reconvene this week to a fine ten-dollar cabernet and the reports are positive. Could it be that Laurie works that voodoo that she do? Blocking the X's email address, Rebecca's artful encounter, taking back the power and Laurie's first fight with the new guy. Pull up a chair, put your feet up, DivorcingDaze # 7 is about to begin.

DivorcingDaze #6

Thu, 11 May 2006 04:14:00 GMT

Will painting her door red bring Rebecca luck, or will Laurie's magic do the trick? Birthdays for the Xs, dreams and nightmares, old college boyfriends, and so much more. Question of the pod: Is it possible to hate someone else's X more than your own?

DivorcingDaze #5

Mon, 8 May 2006 03:03:00 GMT

One more time, the lost podcast explained. Passover with the X. Two briskets, two visitors, two exposed breasts, two tips of the pod, and the five stages of grief. We didn't have 3 or 4 of anything. Also, talking to the kids about God.

DivorcingDaze #4

Sun, 7 May 2006 16:50:00 GMT

Keep the trash empty and the refrigerator full. OK, it may not be that simple, but it is a good beginning. Laurie and Rebecca agree to disagree about Bubba's (Laurie's 200 lb. dog) 'vibe-patrol.' Also tonight, working to get the Xs off the radar, unwanted invitations and meeting yourself in someone else.

DivorcingDaze #3

laurie@divorcingdaze.com — Sat, 6 May 2006 17:24:00 GMT

Life is better these days. Friendship, sex, dead Disney mothers, sex, the many degrees of separation, and the importance of a good dog are among the topics this evening. Pour yourself a glass of wine and join us for DivorcingDaze #3.

DivorcingDaze #2

laurie@divorcingdaze.com — Thu, 4 May 2006 14:16:00 GMT

Laurie and Rebecca share their adventures in divorce, mourn the loss of DivorcingDaze #1 and finish off a nice bottle of Pinot Noir in the process.

Peas of the Pod: The DivorcingDaze Columns

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 20:56:00 GMT

DivorcingDaze actually started as written columns, before the birth of our podcasts. We got so excited with the new podcast technology that we nearly forgot all about them and they lived only on my hard drive. I'm posting them for you to read, not hear. This is where it all began...

The Pink Parka

This is the thing. Some days are bad. And some are just worse. I have a four year old, a two year old, a cat, a 200 lb dog and I live in New York City. And I'm getting a divorce.
Divorce is not a good thing even if half of all married couples do it. Nope, nothing good about it. But where would we be if we couldn't laugh at our own misery?
If you are a New Yorker, you're probably familiar with those not too rare occasions where you are scheduled to be in two places at the same time. Even before my husband left me for his soul mate of a boss it was hard to get out the door with two young children. And now as a single mother with an overburdened schedule and bruised heart I feel like doing three Hail Marys when the children and I successfully exit through the lobby doors of my apartment building. And I am Jewish. Well, this Wednesday morning in the dead, and I mean DEAD, of winter, was one of those swell times.
Applying to kindergarten in New York City deserves a weekly column all on its own, but to say the least, it is a time consuming, annoying and nearly preposterous process. Even if all you want (or can afford) is public school.
So this morning I had a tour scheduled at PS 87 on West 78th Street at 9:00am. Which is the same time I drop my four year old off at nursery school on 103rd St. Before any of this happens I need to walk the 200 lb dog and get the two year old to my babysitter who is babysitting for someone else today (I won't explain).
To make my life easier, or so I think, I enlist my soon-to-be X to help with my morning rush hour. Did I mention that the soon-to-be X (from heretofore will just be referred to as X) lives six floors above me in the SAME building? And yes, that truly defines a living nightmare.
Now they say if you don't learn from your mistakes, you are just stupid. So please just call me stupid. Running issue through marriage was X's LATENESS. I guess you could call me optimistic, but I'm not. I'm stupid. X due downstairs to pick 4-year-old up at 8:00 and take her to school. My well thought out plan should work fine. She's up, (not easy), dressed (hard), eaten half a banana (with pleading), hair brushed (really difficult) and shoes on. Lunch is made, newly washed sheets for naptime ready to go. Scarf, hat and mittens found and the phone rings. X will be 10 minutes late. Thirty minutes later he shows his well-rested face. No dark circles under his eyes. No cat hair nor dog slobber on his coat.
So now I have 30 minutes to walk the dog, drop off the two year old and get to the school tour that starts at 9:00 SHARP and no latecomers need apply. I make a quick executive decision and tell the dog he'll just have to hold it in. I throw the two year old in her stroller, put on my hot pink down parka bought soon after X left -- in one of those "he can't get me down" buying binges aimed to heighten the "I'll show him" attitude.
I jog through high piles of New York City slush to the babysitter's. I arrive at her building, flushed, out of breath but feeling positive about the possibility of making this school tour for kindergarten on time. Only the elevators of this high-rise building aren't working.
Power is quickly restored but I've lost six precious minutes that I did not have. Drop the kid off and try to hail a cab. And try. And try. Run to subway, miss the local by a breath and then wait. And wait. And wait.
ItÃ??s now 9:20 and IÃ??m running through the halls of PS 87 hoping to catch up with the touring moms and dads. When I sneak into the group, I think I feel judgmental stares. Perhaps it's the cat hair and dog saliva that decorate my hot pink down parka.
After the THREE hour tour of this elementary school I ask the principal for an application for an "out of zone" student so I can offer prolific descriptions of the academic promise of my four year old. The principal twists a wry smile and says, "Oh, you're too late for that. THAT was due in December. NO EXCEPTIONS."
I exit and trudge to the uptown subway. On the dank underground stairs, a well-dressed woman passes by and says, "Your coat's a great color." I'm actually, almost, moved to tears. Ailing, maybe, resilient, yep, hot pink? Absolutely.
So my hot pink down parka, even covered in cat hair and dog slobber, elicits a compliment. And for the first time this morning I smile. And stay smiling until I get home to see what the 200lb dog has done inside my apartment.

Losing as Art

This is the second of the original columns which inspired the creation of our DivorcingDaze podcast. Happy Valentines Day!

A couple of months after my husband left, my mother emailed me a poem called âOne Art.â?   I think her motivation was to help ease my pain. My English teacher mother often offers her maternal comfort and advice through the works of famous, dead, white, male authors like Shakespeare and Chaucer. Well, this dayâs message came from a dead white woman poet, Elizabeth Bishop.

I think Bishopâs point in her poem âOne Artâ? is that losing is a craft â an art. She writes, âThe art of losing isnât hard to master.â? And she writes, âLoss is no disaster.â?   For Peteâs sake, people lose things all the time, teaches Ms. Bishop: keys, an hour, a watch, a house, a city, a continent, a loved one. People lose all the time, so, you know, get over it. No more blubbering. Move on.

What I have found in this past year of total loss is that losing breeds more losing. And, quite frankly, it is a disaster, Ms. Bishop.

Letâs seeâ.upon discovery of Xâs affair I spent the first two months losing lots of sleep. Lots. Iâm still trying to catch up. In a matter of two weeks, I think I lost 12 pounds. I lost all body fat. Loss of sleep provides a perfect breeding ground for losing many more a material thing. One wallet, one watch, one set of car keys, one cell phone, one pair of diamond earrings and one diamond and sapphire wedding ring that I still wore on my middle finger. Thatâs a lot to lose in 10 months. And like Madonna, I have discovered, I too, am a material girl. And it hurts. Lots.

I lost my husband, my marriage, frankly, life, as I knew it. I lost my in-laws, my sister in law, two nieces I adored. Half my books and cds, that really good griddle. My self-esteem, my dignity, my youthful look, an innocence. Every other weekend with my two precious daughters. Every other Thanksgiving, every other Christmas. My mind at times.   My boggle partner, my best friend (scratch that one), my lover, my tennis partner, my story teller, my dish washer, my financial provider, my medical insurance, my security, my boxing partner. Pictures that hung on the wall. My coffee maker, who always woke before I did. A smell, a confidence, a vow.

I lost a stressful job because I couldnât handle âALL THAT STRESS.â? I lost my very helpful neighbors who moved to Florida. I even lost my divorce lawyer who became a judge. That one was really tough.

So Ms. Bishop, for me, losing, no matter how much you do it, IS hard to master. Iâm still not used to it. And hereâs a secret Iâll share: I hope I never get used to it. Because that would mean, I would really be left with nothing.

Losing doesnât get easier the more you do it. It isnât something that improves the soul. It most certainly darkens it. Writers and poets, dead and alive, hear me roarâ.Losing is Disastrous.

But life can go on.

The Divorce Lawyer

Here is one of the early DivorcingDaze columns that led to our podcast, this one about the high cost of divorce, paying for my divorce lawyer's vacation, and how I learned to be REALLY, REALLY cranky...

I donât think you can write a divorce column and not have one piece focus on The Divorce Lawyer. Theyâre a breed unto their own. Iâm gonna come clean: I donât like mine.

She just called to ask me why Iâve been cranky recently? I swear. Those were her exact words. CRANKY!     As if itâs not bad enough that X resorts to name calling on occasion, but my lawyer? I now feel a special bond with my 4year old â it IS frustrating when the person of power asks why you are cranky.
Isnât it obvious why?

Ok. So she wants to know why Iâm cranky? Take a deep breath. At 400 dollars an hour she needs that question answered? Iâm going through a divorce, after all. Of course Iâm cranky! Doesnât she get it? The only person who seems to be getting anything they want in this divorce -- is my lawyer! My life savings have been drained down to less than what I had when I was the 15-year-old neighborhood babysitter!   And my lawyer has it all.   Did she really just ask me that question???

I wonder if she is going to bill me for posing, âWHY AM I CRANKY?â? After all, she billed me 40 bucks when she went on her Aspen ski vacation because she chose to tell her firmâs partner that âshould my clientâs husbandâs lawyer call while Iâm away, tell her that Iâll be back in two weeks.â? Really â I was charged for that inner office conversation. For her vacation.   But I guess it was all worth it because I got to see a picture of my lawyer slash ski bunny on the Aspen slopes at a later meeting.   It looked like it was a lot of fun.

Then there was that 40 buck charge for the voicemail I left. I think I said, âmy husband is giving his lawyer his offer letter from his new job today and youâll be getting it shortly.â?

I was also charged 900 bucks for a letter that never went out because â we changed tactics.â? I was charged 500 dollars for a memo I was not allowed to see.   Apparently a law student poorly wrote a summary regarding a legal question I had about the charge of adultery. Only I was not allowed to see the memo because my lawyer didnât like the quality of the writing. In fact, my attorney told me she was aghast at the low level of writing. That cost 40 bucks. So she gave me the option to either spend more money for a more experienced attorney to clean up the memo or spend 200 dollars for her to verbally summarize the poorly written document. I opted for curtain number two.

In the last three months, Iâve been charged about 5K for miscellaneous lawyerly things like postage, fax, poorly written memos, etc. etc. Yet nothing in my case has transpired. Not one proposal has actually been sent out to opposing counsel. Just one lonely letter sent out to say we were working on things, please be patient. 120 bucks.

No sense of closure on the horizon. No light at the end of my tunnel.   Just more double digit charges for stamps, phone messages and emails. The black hole in process only leads me to invent more legal questions for my attorney -- and more charges. The lack of definition concerning visitation and financials bombards my cranky home. And then more questions. At an average of 250 a pop.

Iâm actually a little surprised I havenât been charged for all the tissues Iâve cried upon during the âtacticalâ? meetings between blubbering client and attorney. Maybe thereâs hope.

But if I find out that on my next invoice, Iâve been charged the minimum 40 bucks (or probably more, because this phone conversation might have squeaked past the six minute mark) for my attorney to call and ask the oh-so-obvious question of why I AM CRANKY...Iâm gonna, well Iâm gonnaâ.stomp my foot, join my daughterâs brigade and get â.reallyâ.REALLYâ.. REALLY â.CRANKY!

And then Iâll call my therapist for help -- only 150 bucks for 50 minutes. A New York City bargain.

The Soulmate

Ok, pinch me. OUCH.

So, last night (Saturday night) X took the girls for "his weekend" at 5:00pm. This morning, fourteen hours later, 7:00 am, the phone rings.

Me: "Hello?"

X: "Oh, did I wake you? I'm sorry."

Me: "That's ok."

X: "You sleep with the phone by your bed?"

My Sunday morning needs to begin with X questioning what appliances I keep near my bed? This could get interesting. But I'm a realist so I change the topic.

Me: "What's going on?"

X: "Well, I was wondering if you could come up and watch the girls for a bit so I can run to the supermarket."

Me: "ok."

X: "Really appreciate it."

For two years I manage to feed, clothe, clean, and raise the girls, work, and walk the dog three times a day without relying on him. Although come to think of it, there were two occasions when I asked X to help me out with the dog. The first time he said, "Stop testing me, Laurie." And the second time he said, "NO." But who is counting here? And obviously nobody is keeping score.

So, like the obedient wife, I drag myself out of bed, make a pot of coffee and head up to the 9th floor.

It does warm my heart to enter X's apartment because my two reasons for living greet me with their sleepy smiles and warm hugs.

X is dutifully apologetic and grateful, which of course, warms my heart as well. Note to self: discuss this point in next therapy appointment.

I tell myself this is really one of those win-win `situations.' I get to see my kidsâ. I get a chance to be in X's apartment without himâ.

So X returns from the supermarket and invites me to stay for breakfast. The girls cheer combined with the memory of his bacon (the one food item I will always burn) and his cinnamon French toast convince me to stay the morning.

During breakfast X complains about his migraines and sleepless night. (Ya' know, voodoo dolls really can work!)

He asks if I could watch the girls for a few hours so he can try to nap. No problem, I offer. I tell him I'll take the girls to a movie.

X shifts uncomfortably in his chair, looks away and says, "Well, we have a big day planned."

"What's planned?" I ask.

Unfortunately, X knows he can no longer dodge, for his five-year-old daughter sings like a canary. Forced to admit the truth he explains that he, the girls, the "soul mate boss" and her girls, are all going to see "The Incredibles."

It isn't until I return to the third floor I realize what has just happened. X has asked me to take the girls on my one day off in two weeks to watch them so he can nap so that he won't be too tired to go on a date with the woman he left me for. And not only that, but he puts in the request that I not see a movie when I'm with the kids cause that's what the Brady Bunch will be doing this afternoon! Who needs to see the movie "The Incredibles" -- I've got it all right here.

As we three leave his apartment he asks that I have the girls ready at noon.

The hours pass, X picks the girls up surprisingly on time. The girls leave with washed faces, pressed clothes and braided hair. Wouldn't want them to disappoint the boss.

Win â win you ask? The entire morning screams Win â LOSE! Or just LOSER! But as I crawl into bed to hibernate for the rest of the day, I recall my lack of judgment and immaturity. I'm the first to admit that 'you can take the kids away from mom but you can't take the kid out of mom." Those few minutes alone in X's apartment afforded me just enough alone time with the soul mate's toothbrush. And you know what? Forget chicken soup. Revenge soothes the soul just fine.

Self Image

Self image, such a fragile thing. Like a baby's demeanor, this image of self can darken or brighten in a matter of seconds.

Sometimes the smallest comments can carry the biggest ammo. You know those comments, the ones made in passing...innocentlyâ. And at the time those 'comments in passing' are passed, you laugh them off with a shrug, a giggle, perhaps an eye roll. But then, sometimes, the comments, wellâlinger. They grow. Take on new meaning. Haunt you. For hoursâdays...weeks...even MONTHS!

Time of divorce, reasonably, can be a sensitive time. It is a time, in fact, when friends and family, should, well, lie to you. Little ones, white lies. To push you forward, instill hope and inflate the divorcing ego.

But not everyone you encounter will be that 'sensitive.' Innocent, yes, ego propping, perhaps not.

Not too long ago, my five year old, cuddling next to me in bed, early morning, gazing at me with awe and adoration, in a way, only a young child can offer, tenderly touched my face. It felt so good. Worth it all. And then she whispered, "Mommy, you grew another chin."

If life had sound effects, the slide whistle ending in a crash would be heard.

And then there was the time, not too long after the aforementioned epiphany, that the same five year old told this writer to cover her legs more, to prevent the babysitter's boyfriend, from seeing these 'fat legs.' For that would offend.

Offense taken.

A few weeks ago, I hauled my two girls, dog and self off to my parent's beach house for a little R and R. "Nana will take care of us," I declared. Within the first hour of arrival, "Nana" defiantly noted, "oh look, you have stretch marks. I didn't know you had those."

Some comments just can't be commented on back.

For my 41st birthday (ouch) my babysitter gave me a day at the spa. Luxury for the soul the certificate promised.

As I'm wrapped in warm towels, serenaded by Enya and the essence of lavender, my facialist (is that what they are called?) tells me what creams and oils she is applying to my skin. I'm at peace. But she continues. In her thick Russian accent, she declares what her obstacles are. For a bigger tip? She thinks aloud? She is cruel? I hear things like "broken capillaries," "dark circles", "blotchy red skin" "whiteheads," "blackheads." These dirty words of hers are followed with a "tsk, tsk, tsk". On my birthday, no less.

My grandmother taught me that every cloud has a silver lining. A motto I truly believe. I have to, afterall.

The manicurist at the spa delivers the birthday promise. I tell her this spa day is a gift from my babysitter. She says, also with a Russian accent that sounds more mellifluous than the former beautician's, "You have children? You're too young." "Oh, I'm older than I look" I assure her. And then to push my luck I ask, "How old do you think I am?" She studies me with a discerning eye and offers, "Twenty-six?"

And I'll let that comment in passing linger and soothe my soul for a long, long time.

The Stranger Within

My five year old daughter woke this morning whimpering there was "a ghost in that closet". She pointed to my half-opened closet that once housed X's suits, shirts and ties. Instead of the expected maternal reassurance, I whispered back, "yes, sweetie, there is a ghost there." My own inside joke.

OK, I quickly came to and added, " I'll go get rid of it."

I swear, that is the farthest I go in intentionally "bad mouthing" X in front of my children. I'm actually quite proud of my upstanding behavior and attitude regarding him -- in the presence of his children. They have no idea of my truth. I am surprised, if not enlightened, by my evolved behavior. If given this hypothetical 5 years ago, I would have predicted tantrums, obnoxious outbursts, and sarcastic jibes all over the place.

And I am all too acutely aware that even though X has become a much stronger father figure in the girls' lives since he moved out two years ago, he has faded as a three dimensional person in my life. Sure, he prevails in my daydreams and nightmares â as I still navigate through the terms of our impending divorce. And yes, I update him almost daily on the ear infection or new shoe size. And yes, he still lives six floors above me.

But who and what X is and does during his workday and/or free time is now a total unknown. He is a stranger. A ghost. I would never leave my children with a babysitter I knew so little about. But here, weekend after every other weekend, Wednesday night after Wednesday I hand my two jewels over to a complete stranger. In fact, I know nothing about the man I shared a bed with for five years. In his explanation of his infidelity he said that he had "contorted himself" to fit into our marriage â that he was not being who he really is. Now, I'm not sure he knows who he really is as he continues to dabble with married women and such. But certainly, then, I know less than nothing about the father of my children. Who they spend weekends with! Does he know what to say when they wake in the middle of the night with a nightmare? Can he comfort a wounded feeling? the hurt knee? Can he convince them to eat their greens? Wash behind ears? Slather SPF 40 over their delicate skin? Put them to bed on time? Will he buckle their car seats securely? And soberly drive the speed limit when they are with him?

The answer to all of the above is that I don't know. But as I look back over the last two years of survival and revivalâ.of redefinition and transformation, it has been the strangers in my world who have helped me survive. The gentleman who stopped on the Merritt Parkway to change my flat tire. The woman who carried one of my two crying children up the subway stairs. A neighbor who offered to take my dog for his nightly walks. All strangers in my world who literally saved the day. My day. My life, it seems.

And so, I believe in trusting the stranger in my midst. Including the one who lives six floors above.

Truth is, the most interesting stranger I've met in these days of divorce is myself. The part I had not known fully before. Full of emotions and desire, the entire range, I did not know I had nor could feel. Including forgiveness.

The Wedding Anniversary

Today is my wedding anniversary. And technically, I am still married. As we approach the signing of our divorce agreement (isn't that â divorce agreement -- an oxymoron?) I am more than sure that this will be the last year that my wedding anniversary will pass that I will be, in fact, married.

How often is it that you can knowingly predict something like that? Most of the time death arrives unexpectedly, or at least, at an unknown, moment. You don't usually celebrate a birthday knowing for sure 'this is the last birthday I am ever going to have as a living person.' But I digressâ.

I have a secret to tell. A few weeks ago, I was acutely aware this day was drawing near. But which day exactly, I was not sure. The 10th? The 11th? And the confusion made me proud. Pumped. Sure that the light at the end of my tunnel was indeed here. And that it was blurring, if not blinding, the once precious and ingrained date of celebratory marital bliss. Perhaps this is a sign that in five to ten years I will not even remember the month this blessed day once occurred.

So as the "anniversary" draws near, I can't help but ask myself what it means to me now. This celebration of the day X and I chose to join together as husband and wife, for life, for better, for worse. A glorious day from my past that I no longer cherish. And although it was a self-appointed life holiday, I no longer celebrate it, X, nor Us. Of a promise I sincerely made in vain, when I think of this day, my love life feels cheatedâcheated onâby Xâby life. By a series of unfortunate events. By marriage in general. So how then, is this day reconciled? I could mourn it, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist. Breeze through it. Get a pedicure. Pretend I feel nothing. Pretend I don't even noticeâ.

Admittedly, I have neither adequate nor significant answers to these thoughts. All I know for sure is this day provokes me toâwellâfeel. Deeply. And I guess I am thankful for that. Because of that, I know I am alive. And, yes, that is a good thing.

Of course no cards, fancy dinner, nor flowers will be exchanged between X and me today. That is not expected. Nor desired. But perhaps recognition, an acknowledgement of some kind? To celebrate our once blessed, if flawed, union that produced two jewels slash children that both X and I cherish more than life itself. So do we not observe our date of marriage, that flunked-out of life, but for only the fruits it bared. For the fruits it created. We, X and myself, Created, Together.

But this morning when X came by to pick up one of our jewels to bring to school I did nothing. And so did he. In the rushed routine of last minute cheerios, and ponytail adjustments, it was easy to ignore. Easy to avoid eye contact. So we did not have an awkward moment. Nor a sweet moment. Nothing. We did not have to wish each other a happy ex anniversary. Because that would be impossible. Despite my attorney's drafts, overly inflated invoices and 43-paged agreements, this day cannot be erased, nor (h)exed out. Ignored perhaps, faded maybe, but never forgotten.

Perhaps instead of a card or flowers or a loving, steamy massage, this year, I will simply send X this column. Cause that's all I have.

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

Holiday Season. Although just as deserving of a column, this one will not be about my first alternate Xmas without my children. This is much more 'tis the season' than that.

Xmas present to self is to finalize divorce (which has been on the table for two years now). And get a pedicure. So four way meeting is set for five days before Xmas among X, X's brand new attorney, brought on moments before signing divorce agreement 'cause X "needed better representation," my attorney, who has made it clear I am the poorest and least important (not necessarily in that order) client and myself.

Monday morning's appointment is preceded by a week of boasting to all of my loved ones, and anyone else who will listen, to the trials (hope not) and tribulations of my divorce's picayune legalities and countless hypothetical non possibilities that might occur. "I'm walking out of that office divorced. Or I'm not walking outâ." I gloat to all of my listeners.

Except I have to get dressed first. What does one wear for such an occasion? Aware that X has not seen me "dressed" in quite a while, I want to look good. "Good" meaning confident, sexy, powerful, hip, happy, better off, heart healed, moved on, loved by another, and even desirableâby him. (I admit.) The only thing perfectly suitable to satisfy stated definition is black. A nice complement to the white once worn to inaugurate the union. Ying Yang, I suppose. Black pants. Black top. Every black item I own is tried on, tossed aside and tried on a second time with stomach muscles squeezed tighter and head held higher. There ya' go.

Hair. Makeup. Scent. Confidently clasp necklace X bought for me during romantic Parisian getaway, intended to/wondering if it will evoke feeling of remorse. Or any feeling at all. Removal of dog and cat hair. He was not fond of the animals much (I should have known then). Final dabbing of lip gloss in the elevator's reflection in my attorney's office high-rise only afforded by tenants who charge their clients 400/hour. Riding up to the 34th floor allows just enough time to do breathing exercise aimed to raise level of serenity and lower possibility of potential tears at the scene.

Receptionist announces my arrival. Attorney's 225.00/hr assistant appears and says X and the better representative have cancelled. Mix up. Bad communication. Misunderstanding. Someone wise once told me people divorce the way they were married. Case in point. So here I am, all dressed up and no place to go. In a vain attempt to accomplish something I suggest a four-way phone meeting. All parties reject that idea. So the next available date to meet appears to be in the second week of January! I take my black outfit and defeated self right out the door.

I will be married come the new year. We will file taxes jointly for 2005. Oxford health plans will have a Mr. and Mrs. X in their records. I will celebrate Xmas married with children but alone. All that much more wrong. "I can't even divorce well," I gloom to myself.

The failure of our four way meeting today drives me to take drastic actionâI take matters into my own hands. Free of charge. I step into the discounted department store across the street from attorney's high rent skyscraper and in the midst of the store window's mannequins; I call X and insist we negotiate all outstanding differences on the phone. Right there and then. The makeshift office inspires me to remain as cool and emotionless as my stiff and steely witnesses. After all, I am as well dressed as they are.

By the end of my storefront negotiations I feel less defeated than the morning promised. What transpired in that discount department store, the week before Xmas, gave me everything I wanted and I gave everything I was willing to give.

Tomorrow I'm getting my pedicure.

Cast of Characters

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 19:28:00 GMT

Laurie 1:
Single New York City mom, creator of DivorcingDaze and owner of Bubba and Joey (see below)
Laurie 2:
Divorced, gay, upstairs neighbor and longtime friend and partner-in-crime of Laurie1
New Guy:
Laurie1âs boyfriend
Lover Girl:
Laurie2âs girlfriend (formerly know as LimboGirl)
X:
Laurie1âs Ex-husband. Lives in same building as the Lauries. (shut up!)
Lady X:
X's girlfriend (formerly known as Pokey)
Bubba:
Laurie1âs 200 pound dog
Joey:
Laurie1âs cat
The Orange Sofa:
Setting of most episodes of DivorcingDaze, often the target of Laurie2âs wine and coffee assaults.
Occasional Guest Stars:
Neighbor Down the Hall
Non-Babysitting Babysitter
Rebecca: co-host of DivorcingDaze 1-12
Laurie1âs Mom
Construction Workers Outside the Building
Divorce Attorneys